Sensation Seeking

One of the hardest things about being an aging psychopath is to still have the will to do dangerous, exciting things but to not be physically able. to do many of them. Another is loneliness. Fortunately for me, I have a partner. She is away for some weeks or months (how do people keep such good account of time).

In a heat wave with time on my hands, I thought of something to do that would be exciting and provide  a sense of danger. I would go swimming in the ocean. I hadn’t done any ocean bathing for years. I had mastered the art of diving into a pool and become a good swimmer but there is nothing like the ocean.

streetcarThe problem was I live very far from the ocean. I didn’t have a bathing suit either. Never mind. I fished out a pair or shorts and a shirt and set forth to enjoy this gorgeous weather. The trip was long but I could be patient. First thing was BART which took me into the city. Then the N Judah all the way to the beach. Damn it. I got on the bloody street car going in the wrong direction. All I saw was N Judah and I assumed it was going to the beach. I really thought Embarcadero was the first stop. No wonder everything I was passing looked wrong. I got on the one going in the right direction this time.I was hungry and it was noonish so I took out the sandwich I had packed and ate it. This is against the rules but the driver didn’t hassle me.

It’s a long ride to the beach. I sat back and enjoyed the sight of the city as I beachpassed it. The last stop at last. I change into my make-shift swimming clothes in the bathroom which was situated right at the entrance. Then traipsing through the loose sand. Hard work. Every step, my foot sank into the sand. Got to the water and the damp sand and staked out a spot. I had left my smart phone at home so it wouldn’t be stolen. That is a real problem. Once I lost a pair of prescription sun glasses on a beach in New York. Fortunately, I had friends to help me get home. God! Who would steal prescription glasses but he probably thought they were just sun glasses on a beach in New York. Now I stuffed my glasses carefully where nobody would see them. My Slytherin day pack, I put upside down so no Harry Potter fans would see what it was and take it.

The ocean was wonderful. Scary breakers rose and fell, generating lots of rough surf. It had such beauty. Once, I wanted to learn how to surf but I didn’t follow through. Surfers understand the waves and know how to avoid waves crashing over their heads. They get right to the apex of the wave and ride. I stepped into the water. It was COLD but I told myself I wasn’t a wimp and kept going forward. I reached the breakers closest to the shore and let the surf hit me full on. It was powerful and got me wet all over. There were holes in the ground or just lack of evenness. When I stepped down I was suddenly in deep water.

ocean-waves.jpgI kept going in and out of the water. It reminded me of my first sexual relationship that really counted. I consider myself a virgin until I met him although it was not technically true. He was exciting and dangerous. The first time I hooked up with him, he gave me some drug and had an orgy of sadism on my body. We’re talking burns and gang bangs. Unfortunately, I can’t remember most of it. Maybe he gave me scopolamine which prevents formation of memory. Or maybe I just blocked it as a traumatic experience. I prefer the former explanation. Anyway my friends were all vigilante on my behalf. I couldn’t tell them that I was enchanted with this man. I knew he was dangerous. But that was part of the allure. I sought him out. When I found him, I would spend some time which him and then leave, my appetite for danger apparently sated for a while. Then I would see him again. It was like the waves.

Over a period of time, I worked my way past the breakers closest to the beach. A wave is benign when you are behind the surf But then there is the next row of waves. I saw a surfer far out. I wish I had learned how to surf. They really know and understand ocean waves. But I got as far out as I needed to get my fix. I headed back and didn’t reach home until evening.


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