is never pretty
But I’m wallowing
Psychopaths do suffer. It isn’t something we like to dwell on and we hardly ever show this side of our lives to the world. I probably won’t publish this. But I did. Grandiosity suits me a lot better than self-pity. But there are moments when I just feel like indulging in a nice, abandoned wallow. Shame is for the suckers, isn’t it?
Someone I thought was a friend blew me off. I guess the mixed messages I had been receiving were only to be expected from a Borderline. In a nutshell, she considered narcissists and psychopaths bad news. Yet she kept assuring me she didn’t think I was at all evil. I never could get an explanation of how looking into the eyes of a psychopath was “gazing into the face of evil.” We had bonded as fellow Cluster Bs. But our very respective identities ended up pulling us apart in the end.
We are clearly considered the punching bags of humanity. The only groups attracting comparable hostility are the pedophiles and narcissists. It’s odd to read a psychiatric discussion which is more concerned with morality and science. I usually find these attitudes amusing. I try to correct people’s thinking where I can. Are they even open to reason? Some are. Many are not.
Like I said, I don’t much care (except as a source of entertainment) what people think of psychopaths. It hadn’t affected my own well-being until now. But the very suddenness of the revelation that a “friend” really saw me as a “bully” (that’s probably the most benign expression she used) knocked me off my normally serene contemplation of human stupidity and I confess to letting some rank and foul bitterness get in.
The Who expressed my sadness far more eloquently than I could. Behind Blue Eyes
What is it with our eyes? So many haters on the internet have a problem and consider our gaze terrifying. Even Robert Hare (who I don’t include with the “haters”) considered our “stare” to be shudder-worthy. The word, “Reptilian” keeps appearing in all the judgy-wudgy exploration of what is the matter with us anyway.
A web site calling itself The Reptilian Psychopathic Stare provides a page full of faces supposedly illustrating the “reptilian stare.” The author admits that there is no way of “knowing” if all these people are really reptiles. So much for “science.” But the page includes Jim Morrison, who, the article points out is called The Lizard King. 
It also includes Robert Plant “possibly in a Reptilian energy feed” and Star, Charles Manson’s latest squeeze. The caption reads, “Miss Star now in a full reptilian stare feeding off
of the camera person’s energy.”
The only thing left to do is include Nine Inch Nails’ Reptile:
Well, that’s enough wallowing in misery. I’m back and gleeful about all the absurdity there is in the world for the amusement of those of us who can appreciate it.
My friend and fellow blogger, Lucky Otter, brought up the above-captioned question on her 
sake of being good” in order to deserve to be seen as good. I guess a child can’t be good then as children just do what is natural to them. Most people think kids are naturally good or, at least, innocent. But this wouldn’t cut it with Vic and Otter.
BPD Transformation
Godless Cranium
how to protect themselves from us. This view of psychopaths is very wide-spread and usually accepted as axiomatic by people who have never bothered to get to know one of us (although they probably have known some of us unknowingly — since we are forced to protect ourselves by wearing a camouflaging mask). M.E. Thomas says “I believe that most people who interact 
with sociopaths are better off than they otherwise would be,” Confessions of a Sociopath. Many people flood the internet with sad tales of how they were hurt by one of us in their personal relationships. Since interpersonal relationships often involve a certain amount of pain, heartache and chaos whether there is a psychopath involved or not, I am skeptical about how much these stories inform us of the psychopath’s nature. Demonizing us is likely to color people’s perceptions of their experiences with our kind. Scientists are forever warning us of trying to prove something with “anecdotal evidence.” My own advice in dealing with a psychopath up close and personal is to remain self-aware. Be honest with yourself and you are less likely to be conned.
Lucky Otter made a very valuable contribution to the discussion when she said,
Most of the bloggers here seem to make a big distinction between how we behave and what we are inside. Interesting, since that difference was the very reason the APA removed psychopathy from the DSM. Their behaviorist slant rejects inner, subjective consciousness from “scientific” consideration. But this is the very distinction many here consider most important. A psychopath may be a fine surgeon or athlete but he still has no conscience, for goodness sake! How can he or she be good? As I have explained, our freedom from conscience gives us the freedom to be what we choose. Perhaps that very freedom makes a “good” choice even more praiseworthy. We don’t have a conscience nagging us into doing what we think is “right.”
When I was a very young baby, I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized that I existed. I mean really grokked the fact to the extent of it being a mind-blowing discovery. At that moment, I knew what an extraordinary and mysterious thing Life was/is.
I used to be afraid of dementia. Now I am not. I guess it’s the price we pay for longevity. I used to think it would be better if we were euthanized before we experienced this state, a mockery of our humanity. Perhaps. Or perhaps a more gradual way to let go our our ego(s). The inevitable loss of the Self, as we have always known it faces all of us. Some deal with it by means of religion. Western religion lets us believe our souls will go on forever in a recognizable form. We will never forget ourselves. Near death experience provides evidence that there will be some kind of life after death. All who have had these experiences report going through a tunnel and having the chance to cross a bridge. They know that once they cross that bridge, they won’t be able to come back. So, while we can accept the afterlife as it exists between the tunnel and the bridge, we still don’t know what awaits us on the other side of the bridge. Perhaps obliteration of all we know to be our Selves, the ultimate ego death. People suffering from advanced dementia experience a partial ego death before their body ceases to perform the mysterious functions of life.
Decay is disgusting to all but the most detached. To live with people who are close to death is to witness all signs of illness, dysfunction and decay. Someone once remarked to me that old age is not for sissies. I have chosen to look upon this part of my life as my next great adventure. I hope to rise to the occasion as did Bowie and Rickman. I have faced many strange transitions in this way. Waking up in Bellevue and facing a ward of crazy people at the age of 13, I embraced the adventure with total courage. My tool of choice is determination to remain in present time as much as possible. To be present, is to experience everything.
“…if you’re clumsy and bungling the way I am, you venerate people who aren’t. Where … I … Where I came from we called such people atumai. For such people the extra step is not there to trip them, and the string that they tie packages with is never two inches too short. The traffic lights are always with them. Pain comes when they are lying down and ready for it and the joke when it is fitting to them to laugh. Yesterday, I got to have that atumai, just for a while. Carla had it, too. We both had it together. You don’t decide to sneeze, you just do it. No one had the idea or was the leader; we just did it …”
In The Blues Brothers, John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd play two very down and out guys. Jake Blues can’t even sign his name when he is released from prison. He and his brother, Elwood, go to Elwood’s “elegant abode,” a hotel for transients. But they have something most people lack, boldness and daring so outstanding that they can do the impossible. Elwood demonstrates that quality when he makes his car jump over an open gap to show Jake how good it is. It is only after a divine epiphany, however, that they become totally unbeatable. While attending a very charismatic church, they are struck by a LIGHT and they take on the goal of saving their orphanage by raising funds for its taxes after putting their band together. To accomplish that, they have to overcome insurmountable odds. As they move towards their goal, they show not the slightest anxiety or uncertainty. They “have a mission from God” and they can’t fail. This is the magical state of consciousness called 
experience of gnosis. I’m not claiming that we are always in this blessed state of consciousness. But I and others have certainly been their in our highest state of awareness. When nons sneer at those of us who see ourselves as God, they don’t know what they are sneering at.
formation of the pagan 
CLUSTER B 