is never pretty

But I’m wallowing

Psychopaths do suffer. It isn’t something we like to dwell on and we hardly ever show this side of our lives to the world. I probably won’t publish this. But I did. Grandiosity suits me a lot better than self-pity. But there are moments when I just feel like indulging in a nice, abandoned wallow. Shame is for the suckers, isn’t it?

feelingsSomeone I thought was a friend blew me off. I guess the mixed messages I had been receiving were only to be expected from a Borderline. In a nutshell, she considered narcissists and psychopaths bad news. Yet she kept assuring me she didn’t think I was at all evil. I never could get an explanation of how looking into the eyes of a psychopath was “gazing into the face of evil.” We had bonded as fellow Cluster Bs. But our very respective identities ended up pulling us apart in the end.

We are clearly considered the punching bags of humanity. The only groups attracting comparable hostility are the pedophiles and narcissists. It’s odd to read a psychiatric discussion which is more concerned with morality and science. I usually find these attitudes amusing. I try to correct people’s thinking where I can. Are they even open to reason? Some are. Many are not.

Like I said, I don’t much care (except as a source of entertainment) what people think of psychopaths. It hadn’t affected my own well-being until now. But the very suddenness of the revelation that a “friend” really saw me as a “bully” (that’s probably the most benign expression she used) knocked me off my normally serene contemplation of human stupidity and I confess to letting some rank and foul bitterness get in.

The Who expressed my sadness far more eloquently than I could. Behind Blue Eyes

What is it with our eyes? So many haters on the internet have a problem and consider our gaze terrifying. Even Robert Hare (who I don’t include with the “haters”) considered our “stare” to be shudder-worthy. The word, “Reptilian” keeps appearing in all the judgy-wudgy exploration of what is the matter with us anyway.

jimMorrisonA web site calling itself The Reptilian Psychopathic Stare provides a page full of faces supposedly illustrating the “reptilian stare.” The author admits that there is no way of “knowing” if all these people are really reptiles. So much for “science.” But the page includes Jim Morrison, who, the article points out is called The Lizard King.  RobertPlantIt also includes Robert Plant “possibly in a Reptilian energy feed” and Star, Charles Manson’s latest squeeze. The caption reads, “Miss Star now in a full reptilian stare feeding off
of the camera person’s energy.”


The only thing left to do is include Nine Inch Nails’ Reptile:


Well, that’s enough wallowing in misery. I’m back and gleeful about all the absurdity there is in the world for the amusement of those of us who can appreciate it.


Can a Psychopath be “Good?”

luckyMy friend and fellow blogger, Lucky Otter, brought up the above-captioned question on her blog. She reasoned, “Psychopaths are free agents. So I was thinking about the possibility that some psychopaths may not choose evil because being evil simply doesn’t interest them. Maybe they just enjoy engaging in positive or beneficial activities instead, not to help others (because they have no empathy) but just because they enjoy those things over doing evil things.” In this argument, she echoed my own reasoning in Free to Choose that pointed out that just because psychopaths are free do do “evil” doesn’t compel us to do so.

In replying to this question, Just Plain Ol’ Vic said the quality of “goodness” required something called a “moral compass.” Lucky Otter agreed that a person must be good “for the childsake of being good” in order to deserve to be seen as good. I guess a child can’t be good then as children just do what is natural to them. Most people think kids are naturally good or, at least, innocent. But this wouldn’t cut it with Vic and Otter.

Alex, who claims to have been raised by a psychopath, infers the “Knowledge” that we do good “only for the deep pleasure of ripping that good apart.” Not being as omniscient as Alex, I cannot claim to even know what that means. We are good in order to rip the “good” apart? Whatever…

Alaina, who does not want to be linked, wisely pointed out that the answer to the question depends on one’s definition of “good.” Lucky begged the question by defining “good” as what isn’t “bad.”

sadistBPD Transformation believes that we only want power to hurt others. Mary Pranzatelli suggested that malignant narcissism and psychopathy are part of a spectrum but said that psychopaths really enjoy hurting people. I believe that both BPD Transformation and Mary Pranzatelli confuse “psychopath” with “sadist.” Psychopathy is more “an extreme emotional detachment” which can make us cold and uncaring but doesn’t compel us to be sadists. Of course, some psychopaths are sadists as are some empaths. Indeed, in order to be truly cruel, one must have a degree of empathy. How can we take pleasure in causing pain if we have no understanding of what pain is in the other person?

prosocialGodless Cranium brought up the concept of the “pro-social psychopath” who contributes to society with actual “beneficial” behavior. Lucky countered that these “pro-social psychopaths” who stay on the “right” side of the law often cause harm in their capacity in corporate business people. The concept of the pro-social psychopath is different from the concept of the “good” psychopath in interesting ways. The moral significance of the “pro social” has been discussed and debated by Tina Taylor and James and myself. The gist is that Tina thinks psychopaths are destructive whatever role we play in society. We just can’t help ourselves. We are predators out to get “decent people.” She only addresses herself to those “decent” ones, telling them james&tinahow to protect themselves from us. This view of psychopaths is very wide-spread and usually accepted as axiomatic by people who have never bothered to get to know one of us (although they probably have known some of us unknowingly — since we are forced to protect ourselves by wearing a camouflaging mask). M.E. Thomas says “I believe that most people who interact mask1with sociopaths are better off than they otherwise would be,” Confessions of a Sociopath. Many people flood the internet with sad tales of how they were hurt by one of us in their personal relationships. Since interpersonal relationships often involve a certain amount of pain, heartache and chaos whether there is a psychopath involved or not, I am skeptical about how much these stories inform us of the psychopath’s nature. Demonizing us is likely to color people’s perceptions of their experiences with our kind. Scientists are forever warning us of trying to prove something with “anecdotal evidence.” My own advice in dealing with a psychopath up close and personal is to remain self-aware. Be honest with yourself and you are less likely to be conned.

The wisest blogger in this discussion, Alaina, informs us that Lucky Otter has actually been bashed for daring to even ask if we can be good “in a certain small segment of the narcissistic abuse blogging community.” I am personally fascinated by this community which I study even as they study us. They seem very cultish to me.

Dennis said something at this point that was so right-on, I wish to quote him at length:

Anyone who has endured the machinations of ***preds*** is likely to think large portions of society is composed of people like those same preds (raises hand…)When one is judged by much of society as if one were ‘not fully human’ (much as untouchables are regarded in and around India) then one learns to ***avoid*** the majority of people simply because to do otherwise is acutely ***dangerous***.

Be glad we don’t have ‘Nuremberg Laws’ or ‘Hindutva’ sanctifying Normdom’s instinct-driven prejudices – as then the danger in being an ***outcaste*** (not misspelled!) would be fully as lethal as it is and was elsewhere.

It turns out he is speaking of autists. He could have been speaking of psychopaths. We have been “judged…as…’not fully human’ ad nauseum. Those who are judging us in this discussion, please take note.

fallonLucky Otter made a very valuable contribution to the discussion when she said,

Someone at a forum I post on said a typical pro-social psychopath would be someone who bounces around all the time, has a high energy level as if they’re always jacked up on Red Bull and never worries about anything and isn’t afraid of anything. They’re risk takers and always ready to dive into new projects and don’t worry about what you might think. They tend to be outgoing and likable and because their emotions are so shallow, they don’t experience much depression or anxiety and as a result seem to always be in a good mood. You would never think of them as a psychopath but they are. True psychopathy may not be a pathology at all but a personality type.

Since psychopathy has been removed from the DSM, it seems even the APA agrees that we are not “disordered.” And, if that were not enough, Robert Hare has said the same thing.

freeMost of the bloggers here seem to make a big distinction between how we behave and what we are inside. Interesting, since that difference was the very reason the APA removed psychopathy from the DSM. Their behaviorist slant rejects inner, subjective consciousness from “scientific” consideration. But this is the very distinction many here consider most important. A psychopath may be a fine surgeon or athlete but he still has no conscience, for goodness sake! How can he or she be good? As I have explained, our freedom from conscience gives us the freedom to be what we choose. Perhaps that very freedom makes a “good” choice even more praiseworthy. We don’t have a conscience nagging us into doing what we think is “right.”

However, as I said in the comments section of Lucky Otter’s blog, I thing “good” and “evil” are subjective values and I reject anyone’s right to judge me. God judges (if you can believe in such a thing). What fellow human can judge me as if s/he were god?




Life and Death

iamWhen I was a very young baby, I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized that I existed. I mean really grokked the fact to the extent of it being a mind-blowing discovery. At that moment, I knew what an extraordinary and mysterious thing Life was/is.

Naturally, as we live our lives, we come to take it for granted. It is good to remind ourselves from time to time what a gift life is. Nobody has ever been able (so far) to create life in a test tube. All the ingredients of life (as far as we know) can be present but the ineffable quality that makes life occur remains elusive.

I am now 72 years old. The miracle of my life is reaching it’s conclusion. I am residing in an assisted living facility where I am constantly made aware of the inevitable encroachment of death. Lots of my housemates have dementia to varying degrees. Many are mobility impaired and/or suffer from a variety of other health issues. I know I will witness the passing of many until it is my turn.

David Bowie’s death is extremely timely for me. His amazing parting gift, his Blackstar, is one of the most awesome exits ever made.  In life, Bowie was deeply immersed in occultism. He was a member of OTO, a Masonic spiritual path of western esoteria which has been profoundly influenced by Aleister Crowley. The serendipitous death of Alan Rickman speaks to me, and I hope to others as well. An excellent video What is Real? discusses this in depth. It connects The Golden Dawn, The Great Work, the Qabalah, the New World Order, the Illuminati, the Great I Am, a Black Star, 9/11, Harry Potter. See also my own discussion of these themes, The World We Don’t Readily See.

dementiaI used to be afraid of dementia. Now I am not. I guess it’s the price we pay for longevity. I used to think it would be better if we were euthanized before we experienced this state, a mockery of our humanity. Perhaps. Or perhaps a more gradual way to let go our our ego(s). The inevitable loss of the Self, as we have always known it faces all of us. Some deal with it by means of religion. Western religion lets us believe our souls will go on forever in a recognizable form. We will never forget ourselves. Near death experience provides evidence that there will be some kind of life after death. All who have had these experiences report going through a tunnel and having the chance to cross a bridge. They know that once they cross that bridge, they won’t be able to come back. So, while we can accept the afterlife as it exists between the tunnel and the bridge, we still don’t know what awaits us on the other side of the bridge. Perhaps obliteration of all we know to be our Selves, the ultimate ego death. People suffering from advanced dementia experience a partial ego death before their body ceases to perform the mysterious functions of life.

decayDecay is disgusting to all but the most detached. To live with people who are close to death is to witness all signs of illness, dysfunction and decay. Someone once remarked to me that old age is not for sissies. I have chosen to look upon this part of my life as my next great adventure. I hope to rise to the occasion as did Bowie and Rickman. I have faced many strange transitions in this way. Waking up in Bellevue and facing a ward of crazy people at the age of 13, I embraced the adventure with total courage. My tool of choice is determination to remain in present time as much as possible. To be present, is to experience everything.


rosegarden“…if you’re clumsy and bungling the way I am, you venerate people who aren’t. Where … I … Where I came from we called such people atumai. For such people the extra step is not there to trip them, and the string that they tie packages with is never two inches too short. The traffic lights are always with them. Pain comes when they are lying down and ready for it and the joke when it is fitting to them to laugh. Yesterday, I got to have that atumai, just for a while. Carla had it, too. We both had it together. You don’t decide to sneeze, you just do it. No one had the idea or was the leader; we just did it …”

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg, aka
Hannah Green.

bluesbrosIn The Blues Brothers, John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd play two very down and out guys. Jake Blues can’t even sign his name when he is released from prison. He and his brother, Elwood, go to Elwood’s “elegant abode,” a hotel for transients. But they have something most people lack, boldness and daring so outstanding that they can do the impossible. Elwood demonstrates that quality when he makes his car jump over an open gap to show Jake how good it is. It is only after a divine epiphany, however, that they become totally unbeatable. While attending a very charismatic church, they are struck by a LIGHT and they take on the goal of saving their orphanage by raising funds for its taxes after putting their band together. To accomplish that, they have to overcome insurmountable odds. As they move towards their goal, they show not the slightest anxiety or uncertainty. They “have a mission from God” and they can’t fail. This is the magical state of consciousness called grandiosity. It is what I tried to describe as perfection. Jake and Elwood have it because they are One with God.

starThis doesn’t mean mere piety. It’s what Thelemites call your True Will. “True Will” is identical to the “will” of the universe. Those who are doing their true will have “all the momentum of the universe” working in their favor. Obviously, this is religion and, as such, looks like superstition to all who do not subscribe to it. However, when Aleister Crowley wrote (he said he channeled) The Book of the Law, the holy bible of Thelema, he meant it to be a “religion” that was completely natural, not supernatural. Whether he succeeded is beyond the scope of this blog. But the consciousness involved is right to the point of the blog. The certainty, the fearlessness of psychopaths is akin to this booklawexperience of gnosis. I’m not claiming that we are always in this blessed state of consciousness. But I and others have certainly been their in our highest state of awareness. When nons sneer at those of us who see ourselves as God, they don’t know what they are sneering at.

Many have experienced themselves as God. People who have dropped acid will understand. The novel, Stranger in a Strange Land, which inspired the churchworldsformation of the pagan Church of All Worlds informs the reader that we are all God. Members greet each other by saying “Thou art God.” Thelemites’ greeting is “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.” The correct reply is “Love is the law. Love under will.”

These ideas scare some people, probably many people. Others bristle at the apparent blasphemy. In The Blues Brothers, the waitress (played by Aretha Franklin) accuses Jake and Elwood of blasphemy and they only claimed to be on a “mission from God.” These ideas are dangerous. If fully understood and embraced, they set us free. How many of us are really up for that? Sure “freedom” is one of the most overused words in the English language. But how many of us really experience true freedom?

I don’t expect most people to see this as I do. But I invite all who have had this experience to recognize it as I have described it.