Grandiosity, Part II


aspirationA grandiose person knows s/he’s superior. That’s not even in question. But grandiosity doesn’t have to limit itself to a state of being. It can be a state of aspiration. What does the word limitless invoke? A scary challenge? What are limits, anyway? Limits are restrictions, cages, walls with which we are surrounded. One reason the psychopath is so thrilling and frightening is the lack of certain limits. We are, as Hare says, Without Conscience. We can do things other people don’t dare to do.

Kevin Dutton was visiting a friend, Mike, a psychopath, in a Secure Unit. Dr. Dutton thought he was better off than Mike because Mike was in prison and Dutton was “free.” “I’ve learned a lot,” he said. “It’s brought it home to me just how different we are. You and me. How differently we’re wired. It’s helped. It really has. And I guess the bottom line is this: that’s why you’re in here and I’m (I point at the window) out there.”

“I shrug, as if to say it’s not my fault. As if, in a parallel universe, things could just as easily have turned out different.


“Suddenly, I’m aware that there’s a chill in the room. It’s physical. Palpable. I can feel it on my skin. Under my skin. All over me.

“This is something I’ve read about in books. But have, up until this moment, never experienced.

“I stand for five agonizing seconds in a stare forty below. Ever so slowly, as if some new kind of gravity has been seeping in unnoticed through the vents, I feel the arm vacate my shoulders.

“‘Don’t let your brain piss you about, Kev. All those exams — sometimes they get in the way. There’s only one difference between you and me. Honesty. Bottle. I want it, I go for it. You want it, you don’t.

“‘You’re scared, Kev. Scared. You’re scared of everything. I can see it in your eyes. Scared of the consequences. Scared of getting caught. Scared of what they’ll think. You’re scared of what they’ll do to you when they come knocking at your door. You’re scared of me.

“‘I mean, look at you. You’re right. You’re out there, I’m in here. But who’s free, Kev? I mean, really free? You or me? Think about that tonight. Where are the real bars, Kev? Out there’ — he points at the window — ‘or in here?’ (He reaches forward and, ever so lightly, touches my left temple.)”

Sure. The greatest limitation to freedom is in our own head. But an actual prison can provide a pretty good cage as well. Cages imprison us but they also protect.  After spending only one night in jail, I felt at odds when I got out. Nobody leading me anywhere.  A cage can be a home. Challenging ourselves to break out of the familiar, safe environment of what we consider “possible,” is a true act of grandiosity.


limitlessThe movie, Limitless, is the story of a man who discovers a way to become a far superior version of himself. A drug called MTZ 48 turns him into a genius by enabling access to his entire brain. Possibilities open up to him he hadn’t ever dreamed of. As intoxicating as the idea can be, it can also be scary. To be so much better also means we will demand so much more of ourselves.

Shortly before I saw the movie, I heard about a drug called  Provigil (or Modafinil). In public consciousness, Provigil is linked with the wonder drug featured in Limitless. The fictitious miracle pill causes the hero to become like a superman. Such extravagant claims are not made for Provigil but what is claimed is quite enough to make anyone who is too comfortable in hir cage, want to break out of prison. By the time this blog is published, I will have tried it and will be able to sort out how much Limitless is fiction and how much truth.

replicantPeople warn that they don’t know what the long-term effects of Provigil are. Do I even care? It’s like in the movie, Bladerunner, “replicants,” androids manufactured to be “more human than human” are like people except they have superior intelligence and endurance. But they are deliberately manufactured to only “live” for four years. Naturally, these replicants, created to be slaves of man and to only live four years rebel against such injustice. One of them confronts the manufacturer who says, consolingly, a candle that burns the brightest, burns out the soonest. Better to burn bright than have a long a mediocre life.

I totally concur with these values. I feel like I’m on a high cliff with the ocean in front of me. I am ready to dive into what might just be the most exciting experience of my life. Even if the pill doesn’t live up to all that hype, just the act of daring and opening myself up to possibilities is everything.

FelixIn the Harry Potter world, there is a potion called Felix Felicis. Harry takes it and “slowly but surely, an exhilarating sense of infinite opportunity stole through him; he felt as though he could have done anything, anything at all . . . and getting the memory from Slughorn seemed suddenly not only possible, but positively easy. . .”

Tonight, I watched The Song of Bernadette. Although not a believer, myself, I was touched by the child-like eagerness of the people to believe in miracles. And I realized the similarity between miracles of those days and miracles in today’s time. We are less inclined to believe in the waters of Lourdes and more inclined to believe in a miraculous pill such as MTZ 48 or Provigil. I think most of us are hungry for something extraordinary that will release us from the every day limitations. To enable us to become limitless.

clearpillI now have Provigil in my system. I don’t feel the urge to crack Wall Street. I hadn’t thought I would want to do that before I tried it. I wanted my focus. I am not disappointed. First thing I noticed was calmness. I approached problems rationally and effectively. When I went out among people, I found communicating with them more interesting while I had preferred to ignore them until now. I came back and re-wrote most of this blog. I read a book without dozing off (a problem I had been having). It’s evening. I’m still all there.

Provigil is not MTZ 48. Nor is it Felix Felicis. You can have a very good day with it but nothing enables you to always be “lucky” in getting what you wish. People on Provigil can be much more productive, creative and together than they would be without it. It isn’t massively thrilling. It’s not like diving off a cliff. But it’s a way to become a better version of oneself.

Provigil has been touted as the solution to the 24/7 society. The 24/7 society. We all know what that means. The fact that people are expected to work unlimited amounts of overtime. It used to be the big executives. Now even the clerical staff are expected to be at the boss’ disposal 24/7. bridgeThey are given cell phones and notebooks so they can always be reached. Leisure is no longer a right. In a way, it’s exciting to be jacked in, unlimited, on the fast lane. But I don’t want to do this to make someone else rich. I want to move fast and effectively for my own purposes. So many tools that had potential for self-enhancement have become corporation-enhancing instead. Once the everyday use of Provigil becomes accepted, will there be even more pressure to always be on the job? Does society exist for us or do we exist for society?

ADDENDUM: I doubled my dose. This is a wonderful drug. Two 200 mg pills do the job. Another product I just discovered is Bulletproof Coffee with Brain Octane Oil. With or without Provigil, this combination provides calm energy and focus.

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8 thoughts on “Grandiosity, Part II

  1. I’m often nonplussed or indifferent to your blog posts, but this one is really good. It’s rather funny that Provigil, when compared to Limitless and Felix seems a bit of a letdown, though of course both of those fictional drugs could come with consequences of untold magnitude, if abused.

    “Does society exist for us or do we exist for society?” I would say neither. Society is not even in the equation. We mere mortals exist for the gratification and success of our social superiors, our masters, hence the common (wo)man’s alienation from hirself, and the widespread fear and sadness we see all around us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think I exist for my “social superiors” and I don’t think you do either. I’m sure they think we do. But I don’t care to play into their fantasies when it’s against my self interest. I know that’s how the world works, well, really, how society works. But we have autonomy and don’t have to pay their games their way. All of which I’m sure you already know.

      You’ve said you were a socialist. I assume you still are. So you also don’t accept your “purpose” as these “social superiors” see it. Or maybe you plan to become one of them. Good luck with that. I hope, if you do, you will remember us “little people.” LOL! Try not to destroy the earth too quickly.

      I’m sorry to learn you don’t care for most of my posts. I guess that’s why you haven’t written many comments. Oh, well…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nah, the status quo has had its day; it’s time for a revolution. Though I’ll firmly keep in mind Orwell’s (or rather O’Brien’s) views on the matter 🙂

        My friend told me the other day, in all earnestness that he was a democratic socialist. I just nodded and smiled, not only because I knew he barely knows the first thing about socialism – or democracy for that matter, but also because he’s just about the most selfish non-psychopathic person I know. His idea of a future is living off of state benefits and working on the novel he never intends to publish. He doesn’t care a jot about the starving masses in Africa or about the shit state of the economy. He isn’t interested enough in politics to worry about voting in the upcoming EU referendum, he’s never been on a demonstration of any kind, and he doesn’t know what a class war is, and if he did he wouldn’t think it important. Well I am just about the opposite of that, but he’s still more of a socialist than I am. I go through all the motions, much more than just saying “You know what, I’m a socialist”, but at my core it doesn’t mean anything. If I was on the other side, I’d crush the proletariat into the dirt. But as it is, I am on the shit side, so I have to hate the wanker bankers instead.

        I don’t not care for the posts, I just don’t tend to bother reading them. You write this blog for you and those who enjoy it, so it shouldn’t matter what I think of it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m kind of living your friend’s dream. I’m living off my Social Security benefits and working on my blog, which I do publish. I feel sorry for the people in Africa in an abstract way. I think Africa must be the worst hell-hole on earth, what with AIDS, rape of young girls (because of the belief that raping a virgin cures AIDS), starvation, etc. I’m more passionate about exposing hypocrisy than in fixing things. The issue that really matters to me is Social Security which is constantly under threat from politicians. That concerns me directly. And the constantly rising cost of living with no rise in benefits. But I’m like you. My politics are more about self-interest than anything so, if I were on the other side, I would embrace that advantage happily.

    I wish you would write more blog posts. I miss them.


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