As a Third Degree, I was on the track for my next initiation. There was a test in order to qualify for Fourth. I started studying but I could feel the will draining from my intention. Around that time, I became aware of Chaos Magick. Peter Carroll, wrote some awesome books about it, Liber Kaos and Liber Null and Psychonaut revealed secrets of magick in a dazzling new light. I saw that all the rituals we practiced in High Magick all had but one purpose: to focus the will and concentration into tweaking reality. That might not sound like much of a revelation but it puts everything in the mind or consciousness of the practitioner. Carroll founded a magical order, The Illuminates of Thanateros (IOT), Wikipedia. (There are two forces in the universe, eros (life) and thanateros (death). Here was a streamlined, demystified version of what OTO was all about. The old school of the Masonic orders started to look stodgy. Yet, I was also cognizant of the fact that the IOT had it’s own form of bombast. Still, if IOT was selling bombast, I was buying. However, as I approached the Chaos community, I discovered that the IOT was not held in very high esteem by local chaotes. Another order called the AutonoMatrix (AX) a lot more active in the Bay Area. http://ax.avism.net/index-2.html I joined the small circle who were working this kind of magick.
Shortly before moving to Concord, I bought my first personal computer from Ebony, an excellent OTO brother who was making it his mission to bring people into the cyber world. My first PC was a DOS. But I had email and forums and a MOO (a game called CHIBA SPRAWL which I connected to by Telnet). Amazing how involved one can get without graphics. But once I had my Windows ’95, there was no holding me. When Interview With the Vampire by Anne Rice came out, I read and loved it. Becoming a vampire was a favorite fantasy. When Rice finally came out with a sequel, The Vampire Lestat, I grabbed it up immediately. A mailing list for fans of Anne Rice formed on the internet. I joined it, of course. Now I could talk about the books and characters ad infinitum with others who were just as obsessed as I was. I broadened my reading to include her other books, notably, her witching series. I was a busy, happy camper.
In time, members of this list organized trips to New Orleans so we could experience firsthand some of the places featured in the novels. Some of us met in real time and became friends. Somewhat later, some of us who were tired of always being scolded for going “off topic,” started our own list in which we could talk about anything. A lot of our talk was silly. The list became known as “the Battle List” because we identified with our favorite vampires and argued endlessly which was the best. On the Battle List, we had imaginary wars with each other. I formed images of the other players that were fantastic, especially once we actually met in person and saw what we really looked like.
Is it any surprise that we decided to have a meeting and chose a bed and breakfast in San Francisco. Two of us occupied a room with a Mongolian Love Bed. Henceforth, we became known as “The Mongolians.” Our friendships lasted for years as we saw each other off and on. Some of these friends are still friends on Facebook. Anyway, one of my friends, Angela, had a website. The fact that someone I knew built something as awesome as a website amazed me. I decided to try my hand at it. The resulting site is still in existence although it has gone through many incarnations. It’s present one is The Slytherin Journey.
When I was introduced to the Harry Potter books, it sounded like something silly and childish that I didn’t expect to like. I was hooked on the very first page. I was so inspired, I devoted a large section of my website to Harry. There was ample opportunity to identify with one of the four houses as you could get “sorted” online. I chose Slytherin and Slytherin chose me.
The owners of my apartment house sold the building and it became housing for poor people. I wasn’t poor enough so I was relocated. I choose Berkeley as our new home because you don’t need a car in Berkeley. I sold my car and moved. While in Berkeley, I got involved in politics and activism. Occupy Wall Street manifested, opening doors to exciting possibilities. I joined the movement, mostly working with Occupy Oakland with which I felt most compatible.
One day, I picked up a magazine and saw a headline that read, “Confessions of a Sociopath.” It was the introduction to the book by M.E. Thomas by the same name. I had taken for granted that I was a psychopath. It was just something I knew. My best friend told me I was one when we were teenagers, not as an insult, as a fact. I knew I had no conscience, whatever that even is. I just went through life exploring and experiencing whatever I found exciting and compelling but without experiencing the kinds of ties and “moral” claims most folks seemed to accept. Once, someone in my Mongolian group presented us with a puzzle. A girl met a guy she was totally drawn to at her mother’s funeral. Somehow, they parted without getting each other’s digits. A week later, she murdered her sister. The question was why. The answer was obvious to me. She hoped that at her sister’s funeral, this great guy would show up. Then the authors of this puzzle said mostly murderers got this right and, if I did, “get help.” I was the only Mongolian to get it right. “Why are you proud of it?” asked Ginger. I shrugged.
When I read M.E.’s book, I wondered, at first, why someone would expose such a thing to the world. But I went to her blog and found a forum and, subsequently, other groups where psychopaths were “out of the closet.” I read books about us such as Without Conscience by Robert Hare, The Mask of Sanity by Hervey Cleckley, and others. I began to see the wisdom and rightness of psychopaths also speaking for ourselves. Why shouldn’t our voices be heard? I’ve become acquainted with lots of people who have opinions about us, some benign, some hostile. It was a whole world of discovery. So I “came out” too. It has been a journey of self-discovery. This blog, devoted to Cluster B Personality “Disorders” chronicles my journey.
All these years, Victoria has been at my side. I started off as her “top,” her Dom, but we both started getting bored with those roles. I had read about “the girl in the box,” the story of Colleen Stan who has been kidnapped by Cameron Hooker and subjected to horrendous abuse. I saw pictures of him and his wife who went along with the whole thing. I thought them creeps, quite frankly. But one night, I saw an episode of my favorite TV show, Law & Order: SVU which obviously used this story with a very few changes in detail. Only, this time, the story turned me on. The perp was very good-looking and a CEO to boot. Both Colleen Stan and the fictitious girl in this episode were kept in a box which was under the bed of the couple who imprisoned her. Anyway, this episode awakened my sleeping masochistic sexuality. I told Victoria I wanted to switch. She had been wanting the same thing so our mutual decision was very compatish.
Life went on as usual until one day Victoria broke her foot. While she was recovering, she developed chronic diarrhea and overnight became seriously disabled. I didn’t know what to do. Being a caregiver to a disabled person wasn’t in my DNA. Fortunately, her daughter-in-law put her in the hospital. From there, she was transferred to an assisted living facility. She recovered but I had to decide what to do with my own life. I couldn’t afford the apartment by myself. Rents for studio apartments were off-the-charts ridiculous. I thought of other options. But, in the end, I choose to occupy an apartment on the second floor of this place. These apartments were for people who could function semi-independently. They clean the apartment once a week, do laundry and cook meals. It was a weird change to make and we both had qualms about taking this step but we did it. I couldn’t have done it without my computer and internet connection. There is the community downstairs and our lives upstairs.
Having written this short autobiography, I realize there are many other stories that can be told. But, for now, this is a wrap.