Why Am I so Adverse to the Notion of “Healing?”,

Bottom line:

I question whether any of these “disorders” is a sickness or disease so how can one “heal” from them?

lostWhen I met Lauren and Mary, they were victims of Narcissistic abuse and interested in Cluster B as I am. Lauren was diagnosed Borderlne The day she fell down the rabbit hole was when she suddenly, studying the symptoms, realized she was really a covert narcissist. She hadn’t thought she could be a narcissist because she had always been so meek and shy. But a covert narcissist has been so cowed by her narcissistic mother and later husband, she kept it all inside. But, secretly (even to herself) was a grandiose person full of entitlement.

healingLauren immediately went on an all-out search for a cure for her. She has explored many different methods. Her quest included 12 Steps, Reparenting, Cognitive-Behavior training, Attitudinal Healing, re-mothering, Psychodynamic Treatment of Narcissistic Disorders of the Self, rebirthing. Why do these titles send a cold chill through my body?

It’s not as if I have never been in therapy. At 13, I went into a full-fledged nut house. This was the real thing. A place with a lobotomy ward, where they used both electric and insulin shock therapy. Luckily, I only had talking therapy. One shrink was a lemon, one really good and one kinda ok. I didn’t have a problem with it then. Or other times I consulted a shrink.

boringIt was when I was seeking a cure for my addiction to heroin and then methadone that it began to feel icky. Well, in the first place, I used therapists to get me on Disability. But they were just chumps. I would come to the sessions high. I was much better at therapy when I was high on H or speed. I was really into it, talking about my problems for the whole hour. But when disability ended and I really needed to get off drugs I went to NA hoping it would help me.I must say, the 12 steps makes my skin crawl. It’s so wedded to “god.” Despite the myths surrounding it, their recovery rate is pretty low. I also looked into some therapeutic communities. This one was full of people walking on eggshells. It’s like they were afraid to breath too loud. I didn’t like the woman who interviewed me at all. She seemed to be full of hate. I asked her if she liked the residents. She replied that she wanted them to do well in the program as if that were the same thing. I finally did get into a community. It seemed pretty nice, or would have if I weren’t recently detoxed. What got me out the door was the fact that the residents all snitched on each other. It was expected of you. I told them I would not snitch. And they told me, “Goodbye then.”

helpI think it was the combination of losing something precious and digging into my soul looking for defects that made it I nightmare I still remember. I got off drugs my own way. I took continuously diminishing doses of Methadone for a couple of years. I didn’t experience withdrawal and my thoughts remained my own.

psyloveI have known for years that I was a psychopath. I didn’t think about it much. I kept that part of me hidden even from my partner. M.E.Thomas’ book, Confessions of a Sociopath, inspired me to “come out.” I was already out as a sexual masochist. I had helped start the first BDSM liberation group, TES, in New York. I could see M.E. moving to ever greater disclosure. The first person I told was my partner. She was freaked out at first but later was cool with it. I sent for my records in the nut house and had a personality assessment. All this was exploration of what I am at present time. It was not a quest for a cure. I discovered other psychopaths online. None of us talked about being “healed.” It’s considered incurable anyway.

I think that where I feel threatened is my grandiosity. I just love being grandiose and I would never give it up.


3 thoughts on “Why Am I so Adverse to the Notion of “Healing?”,”

    1. Damn, I can’t edit my comment so I have to write a new one. I wanted to say I agree with you that many of these programs do treat you like a defective child and I get the ‘walking on eggshells” thing so in that sense I can relate.

      Liked by 1 person

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