Am I Really One?
They say psychopaths are unable to love. A court-appointed psychiatrist said freshly convicted killer, Diane Downs, a psychopath, was unable to love. Then how could she have been so madly in love with her boyfriend that she shot her three children in a misguided attempt to hold on to him? The thing is that we have words for emotions and assume we are talking about the same thing when we use a word. But how do we know? The truth of the matter is that many psychopaths feel what we call “love.” How much like the “love” which NTs experience,who can say?
I have been certain of my psychopathy ever since my best friend gave me the news when I was a teenager. She wasn’t trying to insult me. She had talked about me to some professional, not our shrink, describing my “symptoms.” Why should the opinion of another teenager with no professional expertise matter? I confess to a flash of intuition, something, in itself, very non-psychopathic of me. It just “fit.” I have been certain about this ever since. Many years later, I voluntarily got a personality assessment by professionals and got the kind of validation these people can give. I was “diagnosed” as having ASPD, the DSM version of psychopathy. No, they wouldn’t use the PCL-R, as I had requested.
Recently, some of the answers on Quora from psychopaths are making me wonder if I’ve been wrong all these years. Athena Walker has informed us that she never feels euphoric. Psychopaths can’t, she said. I asked another psychopath, a friend in whom I have a lot of confidence. He agreed with Athena. It’s been obvious that I’m more emotional than he is. In fact, he once suggested I might be a borderline. Athena has also denied ever falling in love or even bonding.
What are the defining criteria for psychopathy? The PCL-R lists twenty:
glib/superficial charm
grandiose sense of self-worth
need for stimulation/proneness to boredom
pathological lying
conning/manipulative
lack of remorse or guilt
shallow effect
callous/lack of empathy
parasitic lifestyle
poor behavioral controls
promiscuous sexual behavior
early behavioral problems
lack of realistic long term goals
impulsivity
irresponsibility
failure to accept responsibility for own actions
short term marital relationships
juvenile delinquency
revocation of conditional release
criminal versatility
The inability to experience euphoria or romantic love are not on the list. Aren’t there psychopaths who fall in love? Well, M.E. Thomas, author of Confessions of a Sociopath, and owner of the blog, Sociopath World, says, “Yes. Sociopaths can love with a selfish intensity that puts other love to shame.” It should be noted that, to M.E., the words “psychopathy” and “sociopathy” are interchangeable. The owner of Psychopathy Awareness concurs.
Another example can be found in the annuls of crime. Meet Diane Downs who shot her three children because she saw them as an obstacle to her affair with a man she was in love with. In the course of her trial, she was examined and diagnosed by Dr. George Suckow who found the presence of three Cluster B personality disorders: narcissistic, histrionic and antisocial. Can a psychopath also be histrionic? But isn’t psychopathy about emotional blunting? Histrionics are emotionally labile. They are all over the place. But the very versatility of the emotions is also a clue to their shallowness.
Another psychiatrist, Dr. Barbara Ziv, concurs. The only professional opinion that 
disagreed was Dr. Polly Jamison, who originally called Diane Downs a “deviant sociopath” and then took it back. There is, on the subject of psychopathy, a plethora of opinions, some conflicting with one and other. The only stable standard which has a pretty good consensus is the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual and the Hare PCL-R, called the “gold standard” for psychopathy. But even these are somewhat at variance with one and other. On my psychopathy page, I listed links to the experts and many more to what psychopaths had to say about themselves. I believe there will be different opinions at large for quite some time. That might not be a bad thing as scientific consensus is sort of an oxymoron, since scientists need to be independent thinkers.
I’ll conclude with a comment by Jone Whistler on my own reply to the Quora question about psychopaths and emotions. In part, he replies, “I think the majority of psychopaths on this website are just REALLY hardcore psychopaths. Like, their prefrontal cortex would look black on a scan, but for the majority of people with a medium-high amount of psychopathic traits, they can and do experience things like fear and empathy, just very shallowly. I think for those people, their scans, although would show an abnormally low amount of activity in their prefrontal cortex, would still show some activity, therefore, enabling them to experience certain emotional states.”
Links
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- Do Sociopaths Love? M.E. Thomas, Sociopath World
- Psychopathic Mother Elizabeth Diane Downs’ Imagination Runs Free. Michelle Roberts
- The Diane Downs Case Was no Small Sacrifice. Crime Website.
- Do Psychopaths Fall In Love? Psychopathy Awareness
- Deviant Sociopath? Doctor Polly Jamison and Defense Attorney James Jagger
- Which Emotions Do Psychopaths Feel? Quora
No Wonder they Thought I Was Crazy
I’m living in what is called an assisted living institution. It’s a place for elderly people who need help in the day-to-day business of just living their lives. I’m probably the most functional person living here. I could probably manage just fine if I had enough money. My partner took ill and had to be hospitalized. When she left the hospital, it was to come here. She had some serious problems that required this kind of serious support. The immediate impact on me was the need to move. We had been sharing the rent in our lovely, two-bedroom apartment and I couldn’t afford to pay it by myself. I considered all the options. To my consternation, I discovered that, while 
we had been living in blissful ignorance, the rents around us had skyrocketed. We had been living in a town that had rent control and, yet, every apartment cost over a thousand dollars a month. My first apartment had cost $42.00 a month. Of course, that was a long time ago. Rents have been going up steadily while income stagnated. Of course, that’s an old story I’m sure everyone is familiar with. But the difference in rents I encountered when I had to move from our apartment was another story entirely. I can only liken it to the game of Monopoly. Whoever manages to own the most expensive properties like Park Place can turn the other players into paupers rapidly. All they need to do is land on that property with hotels on it and they can be wiped out. This is the world I find myself in.
I am paying over a thousand dollars to live in my assisted living facility. But that includes meals, cleaning and laundry. In even the smallest studio apartment, I would pay as much as I’m paying here but also have to pay for my food and utilities. I thought of moving to some place like Florida where the cost of living is more modest. I also thought of sharing a place with someone else. But the option of moving in with my partner looked like my best bet. Here, my meals are all provided. Someone cleans our apartment and does our laundry. I have internet access and TV and 
telephone. The facility has an option they call independent living by which we were able to move into an apartment which doesn’t have full kitchen facilities but does have a mini-refrigerator and a microwave. Since we don’t have to make our own meals, that is enough. My partner was sufficiently recovered to be able to move with me into one of those apartments. Not only don’t I have to be responsible for full housekeeping. We also have the advantage of being connected to a community of other residents. The facility provides entertainment and some transportation. It was a big adjustment for me. I had always lived near public transportation. Now, I was living in a place that was isolated. But I learned how to get around. I became a big walker. I always had been but now it was a big part of functioning in the world around me. I learned the bus schedules too. In short, I have found a place to live. I was also able to preserve my relationship with my partner. Having each other makes a big difference. Most of the people here don’t live with a significant other. Some make relationships with other residents. And we strike up friendships.
for death. I realize, everyone is going to die. But death is pretty remote to most people. Here it is a lot more immanent. We have seen people we know die. What is more significant, we see people’s health decline. My partner is exceptional in that her health has been steadily improving since she moved her. But the existential fact that we are living on borrowed time is a lot more obvious living here. Many of my fellow residents have dementia which is like Alzheimer’s or senility. Having spent two years in a mental hospital during my teens, I have already had the experience of living with people who were out of their minds in various ways. In the nuthouse, most of the “crazy” people had schizophrenia. Their symptoms were different from those with dementia but for someone who still has her marbles, it’s not so different.
hardly ever speaks. She is fat and confined to a wheel chair. One time, I saw she had wet her pants and I told a staff person so she could get changed. The woman, being unable to speak, couldn’t have asked. Once in a while, she screams at the top of her lungs. Just screams. No words. I saw this woman as someone who was living in a Hell so profound, I couldn’t imagine it. I would be screaming too. I’ve been here almost two years. I have come to understand this woman somewhat over that time. I have noticed she has some pretty cool t-shirts; shirts indicating a sense of humor. I have dyed part of my hair pink. A staff member told me that this woman wants to die her hair pink too. I don’t know how she managed to communicate this desire but I gave the staff member information about how she could do it. The point I’m making is that I now see her as a person not just a blob. It’s mind-boggling to learn what everyone was in their younger lives. We have professors, chemists, marines, union organizers, teachers, ex-bikers.
people here. We’re all in the same boat. We all have to get along. We are all more or less dependent on the staff, on Social Security, on family… Dependence was something I never took kindly to when I was younger. I was a kid who couldn’t wait to break free from my parents and do everything on my own. Even getting into the nuthouse was one way of declaring independence from my parents, although they still supported me financially and I was subject to the rules of the hospital. A few years since leaving the nuthouse, I quit high school to get a job and my own apartment. I was 17-years-old when I moved into my own place. Having someone else decide when I could be fed was an experience I have been finding difficult.
Being unable to communicate is a form of sensory deprivation. Nuns and monks sometimes practice silence as a form of extreme asceticism. Prisoners, especially those who have been kidnapped, often have this imposed on them. Even when someone is allowed to speak, s/he sometimes knows better than to say what is really on hir mind. That’s why speaking truth to power is considered an act of courage.
Lately, I have realized that I, myself, have experienced the isolation that comes with the inability to communicate. In fact, I grew up with it. It’s not that I was unable to speak and it’s not that I was afraid to speak. I just thought nobody would understand me if I did. So I usually didn’t bother. I sensed a deep, wide divide between myself and other people. It’s almost as if they are a different species. Ever wonder what it’s like for a pet to have to live with humans? I have a pretty good idea what it’s like. The nature of members of this other species was that they were unpredictable. They just didn’t make sense. In time, I developed the ability to predict much of their behavior. It still didn’t make sense but at least I was able to control it. I knew if I did A, I would get the response of B.
Adults throughout my childhood have commented on what a quiet child I was. They didn’t seem to spend much energy trying to figure out what was going on behind my silence. If someone doesn’t speak, s/he is often dismissed. I dismissed the mute woman in my residence until recently. If people don’t say anything, people assume they have nothing to say. But shrinks deal with their ignorance and lack of interest by slapping a diagnosis on the silent one. I was given the diagnosis of schizophrenia. I didn’t learn about my diagnosis until a couple of years ago. I guess if someone doesn’t communicate, they must be crazy. The nuthouse I was in between the ages of 13 and 15 also labeled me schizophrenic. I have never had so much as one psychotic episode. I was never on anti-psychotic medication. Nevertheless… A shrink I saw in more recent times explained that the diagnosis was just a sign of the times.
have been communicating for quite some time. I think my time in the nuthouse was a turning point. I had one shrink while I was there who seemed to hear and understand me. At least on many points. I also found people I could relate to among my fellow patients. These were the ones who were lucid like me. My closest friends were about my age. I remained friends with one of them until very recently. She was the first person to tell me I was a psychopath. She told me she had talked with some professional and described me. The professional made the diagnosis. I didn’t know much about psychopathy but I immediately sensed the truth of her statement. I realized I didn’t 
have what other people call a “conscience.” I didn’t feel this kind of emotional connection with my fellow (wo)man. I lacked any sense of obligation to others. It was good to know there was a word for what I am. I stayed in touch with this friend off and on the rest of my life until one time I asked her if she remembered telling me I was a psychopath. She didn’t remember and her reply chilled me. “I not impressed with those people,” she said. Like I was interested in impressing her? I kind of wrote her off then. I was surprised at how uncaring I felt about her. She just wasn’t relevant to me any more. She had been very upset that her mother was dying, something I couldn’t relate to. Both of my parents died and I hadn’t felt anything. However, a year or two later, I decided to make another attempt to reach her. When I tried to contact her, I found out she was dead.
I now communicate with people on various levels depending on the person. I am close to a few of them. I have been in love a few times. I feel little or nothing about most people. I keep that to myself. I have learned how to be charming. I have a few t-shirts that say I’m a psychopath. I doubt many people believe it. I find that amusing. The internet has been instrumental in enabling me to reach out. My blog is the biggest means by which I express my real self and actually reach other minds. Growing up, I learned that I’m not as alone as I thought I was. I have found kindred souls on Facebook and the blogosphere. Living here has made my cyber-connection all the more important. I stay vital and alive here. I hate Ajit Pai who would deprive me of connection. I don’t think people will put up with that but anything that even threatens to take it away arouses my enmity.
ASPD is DSM-speak for Psychopathy/Sociopathy. They think it sounds more scientific or something. And it is focused on behavior more than on the inner psyche. Very Behaviorist of them. Psychologists like Robert Hare and Kevin Dutton discuss Psychopathy independently of whatever the American Psychiatric Association is up to. When I wanted to be assessed with the PCL-R, I was told that’s only used for prison populations.
The Psychopath Translator
This is one I can relate to. Can a psychopath also be histrionic? Look at Diane Downs. My histrionic traits come to the fore especially when I have a problem on the computer that I can’t fix. I hate having to depend on other people, especially on the phone, especially technical support. They always start with 20 questions. Boring questions. What is my name? How do I spell that? I have spelled my damn name so many times that I HATE it already. What is the serial number of my computer/printer/or whatever? Oh, it’s located way in the back and well hidden. They make me feel stupid for not knowing 
and having to put down the phone to do whatever they insist I do. They they suggest solutions I have already tried. I try to stay polite but I end up having a shit fit. Another histrionic characteristic is dressing to attract attention. Like wearing provocative t-shirts, such as my Psychopath one. Most people don’t notice or show that they notice but others react. Usually, they tell me they love me. One guy told me he trusted people like me more than “normal” ones. One man thanked me for giving him a laugh. “Are you sure it’s a joke?” He looked startled and he said, “Well thanks for the warning.” I also like to look my best in really great makeup by 100% Pure. No, I’m not getting a kick-back for the plug.
Links
Narcissistic Personality Disorder 
Borderline has been the subject of much confusion as it originally meant someone on the edge between sanity and psychosis. As one of the Cluster B personality disorders, it is less about psychosis and more about an emotional rollercoaster which inhabitants of this disorder must ride. They have a deep fear of abandonment. But they also dislike engulfment. They are the most emotional of the Bs. Some therapists call Borderline the most curable of the personality disorders. But others question that it’s curable at all. It is just as stigmatized as the rest of the Bs. Borderlines are said to be difficult people to have relationships with. Yet I haven’t heard anyone claim to have been victimized by a Borderline.
I love a surprise and I just got one from 
ways of life. David Wolfe, known on this show as Avocado, was called a “Naturalist.” He basically represented his diet which the guests were required to try. During the time I’ve known about this man, I had no idea that he had any thoughts or opinions about psychopathy. Yet, here is his article. As most articles about psychopathy, his is of the hostile variety. The title, 
Mr. Wolfe explains that it’s all about control. Everyone wants it but “most of us accept that other people have rights and feelings just like our own. It’s a trait known as empathy, and it’s what stops us from controlling others against their will, for fear of hurting them.” Why don’t psychopaths feel empathy? “[t]he psychopath’s brain works a bit differently; 
First on his list is the psychopathic stare. “Psychopaths possess a very striking stare that tends to make people uncomfortable. Why? Well, it lacks in humanity.” Why does our stare “lack in humanity?” Well, David quotes my good friend, Lucky Otter who explains, “the stare makes it seem as though the psychopath has nothing inside them except a vast and endless void.” I have discussed this in another post which I called 
mood, I once posted a quote from Kubla Khan by Coleridge referring to the sublimity of our 
The second method of control on David’s list is gaslighting which means making someone doubt his sanity or sense of reality. But such simple statements as “you are taking this too seriously” or “I was only joking” are often called “gaslighting.” David disposes of this subject in a few lines. I had a lot more to say about 
Moving right along, the next one is bullying. He provides a link to an article called 
The next item is gossip. It seems we have a propensity to turn people against our “victims.” This seems like something more characteristic of narcissists. The web is full of “victims'” sites that seem more concerned about narcs than ‘paths but are pretty sour on both. I wrote 
Next comes baiting. We are just too damned nice to our “victims” and lure them in with “attention, kind words and gifts. That’s how they trap you in their world.” How nasty of us. It’s a “red flag.”
The link above is to Psychopath Research. The article, written by Jenna Lynn, is How Psychopaths Sabotage Themselves. According to the article, we have intelligence without wisdom. (Kevin Dutton, author of The Wisdom of Psychopaths, would disagree.) What is wisdom? “Wisdom is defined as ‘the trait of utilizing knowledge and experience with common sense and insight; the quality of being prudent and sensible.'” Defined by whom? “Common sense and insight?” That’s totally subjective as is “prudent and sensible.” We are also woefully lacking in spirituality. “They also seem to lack true spiritual intelligence, which is described as ‘having deep values, acting from principles and beliefs, having a sense of compassion and deep empathy for the well being of others, having one’s own convictions, having a sense of belonging and connection to others, and learning from mistakes, and having a sense of vocation: the desire to serve mankind and to give back, to make the world a better place.'” Again I ask. Described by whom? “Deep values?” Which are what? “Having a sense of compassion and deep empathy?” So, since we, by definition, lack empathy, we can never be spiritual. Jenna has “never seen this type of intelligence in a psychopath.” I wonder how many she has known.
But where did David Wolfe get this business of throwing ourselves into the depths of despair if it means someone will follow us there? I couldn’t find that in the article he linked to. I see despair as an enemy I am on guard against it. Empaths also need to watch out for despair. Psychopaths fight it with optimism and detachment. What weapons do empaths have? I wouldn’t know but I would hardly accuse empaths of lacking the ability to be spiritual. What good would it do me to drag an empath into despair? People in despair aren’t much fun. They are boring.
psychopaths.” Interesting person, Sam Vaknin. A self-proclaimed narcissist, he has been marketing himself as a healer of “victims” of people like himself. I’m sure he’s doing very well. But what possessed David Wolfe to become a spokesman for those needing protection from psychopaths?
CLUSTER B 